Wow. I just got over one of the most profound bouts of diarrhea that I’ve ever had. And that’s really saying something. I’ve had some memorable liquid leaks in my day. There was Lima, Peru ’94 – I had ceviche and local drinking water and my asshole said, “don’t know what you think you’re doing, but we’re evacuating everyone.” Then there was spring of ’97, south Florida. I had lobster at Outback Steakhouse. Never eat seafood at a place that advertises meat. That was my most aggressive ‘rhea ever. Non-stop shit show for a week, nearly hospitalized, lost 22 pounds. You don’t get many of those in life. But the week before last I thought I was on my way again. I had so much brown water coming out of me I thought there was a pipe connecting Mexico to my ass.

A bowl of brown


At first I thought it was a one-and-done shit storm. I have those all the time. Wake up, eat something greasy, take a massive, explosive shit. That doesn’t really faze me. But there was something about this shit. Something that said, “we’re not done yet.” I was convinced that it was the Vietnamese food I had just ate. You can’t trust Charlie, even after all these years, I say. But I was soon informed that there was a stomach virus making it’s way thru the country and a lot of people were down. Could it be that Charlie was not to blame? I’ll never know. But what I do know is that prolonged, aggressive diarrhea really gets you thinking. You see, after a few days of going and going you are no longer consuming any solids, only liquids – water to be specific. All that’s going in is water, yet you’re still flushing out hell from your brown eye. That’s when I realized that I am really, really full of shit.

Now I don’t say that as a bad joke. I mean, when I’m healthy I never really stop to think about how much shit is inside of me just hanging out. Turns out there’s about 5 days worth. The next thing that happened is when I began to get healthy I  really started to think of food differently. Seeing all that shit come out made me realize that my body really is a temple and when you put shitty food in it, you are essentially putting sludge into your system.

I want to thank diarrhea for making me realize that. Maybe I’ll be a healthier eater now. Maybe.


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